I stayed, for the sake of the children. They needed one stable parent in the home. When she died, it was a relief. I never mourned the loss, like you mourned Michael. There was no need. I had mourned the loss of my marriage years before. Her death, was the finality I sought. Her death gave me freedom. Funny, when we first met, and married, we had a satisfying sexual relationship. When she started having the affairs, I lived a life of celibacy, not wanting to be the one who stepped out on his spouse, so she could ask me for a divorce." Michael was my first lover, I was a virgin when we married. That was important to me, that I was able to give him that part of me, on our wedding night. I haven't been with another man either. I know that celibacy is not easy, the urges, the desires, don't just go away. They linger on, a sweet torture of what once was. Michael and I had a wonderful sex life. When we found I couldn't conceive, well, I was devastated. Michael was so. Although not harmful, he was fat, old, not attractive, unstylish and used to eye rape her in an unsubtle way. He registers her level of disgust on the computer and smiles.He gives her an open command to see how the ego will interpret it. “You will find a reason to visit Mr Hobbs this weekend and 1) Find an acceptable reason to show off as much skin as possible without being naked 2) Make it non-verbally clear you enjoy him looking 3) Friendly level of flirting. This will last two hours.She does it, uses swimming pool excuse. He tries to leave her to it but she asks him to come out.On the way back my mind was dizzy. Suddenly I wasn’t in control anymore...yet my brain was still functioning, still talking internally but the bit of me that supervised, the bit of me that reflected on what I was doing suddenly had no power to do anything! I could hear my ego louder with each second trying to carrying out this terrible set of commands.Hmmm...how can I show off my body in a casual way?No!.
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