I was an abomination, if so, why should I live? Theonly reason I lived on was for God, so I wondered whyI should even go on, and many times I was drawn tothe gun in my bed-side cabinet, never pulling thetrigger. It seemed inevitable that one day the guiltof it all, or even my clumsiness would end in mydeath. I nearly hated myself for what I was doing,especially when I knew how wrong it was.Yet, even as these thoughts completed their usualcourse, rounding through my head, I found my feetwalking. My hand moved itself upon the handle of myroom, which I had never had any "company" in. Thethought that I was nearly 30 and in fact had neverhad any "company" hit me smack in the face. I wassad, but I kept going, each step a journey in itself,my feet each hitting the un-vacuumed carpet, leavinga small "puff" of dust smoke behind as the foot waslifted up. Slowly, I reached the door, out of breath.I knew what was behind, I was practically selling mysoul to the Devil, as I had hundreds of times. Minutes later Sarah came into the room and spoke,"Go make us some tea" I went slowly downstairs to make the tea which tookforever as I didn't want to be seen by anyone to the point I went andcloses the curtains, about 5 minutes later I came upstairs with 3 mugs oftea and taped on their door, upon entering the room I saw them giggle atthe site of me,"Come here, we are thirsty" Here" I said without any joy"Go look in the mirror you smudged your make-up" after looking in themirror,"No I haven't" I turn and pick up my mug and walk out of the roomdrinking it contents, as I close the door I saw the girls laughing at thesite of me.About 10 minutes later they both came into my room and sat next to bewatching me like hawks."We know you like this sort of thing Steve and you do look good in this,don't you?" Boys aren't meant to wear this stuff Tara" Then why were you going through our things?" I haven't" We know you have and you do look good in that uniform, it fits youperfect you know" It.
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