The flirting, the kissing, groping each other. I never felt that heat or attraction. I was an outsider. I was certain that I was a freak like my father said.All this emotion was bottled up deep inside me. It was frustrating to have no friends. To walk from one class to another, alone in a school of 850 students. To sit by myself on the bus, to eat by myself in the cafeteria. I buried myself in my computer and reading. I got good grades but was reluctant to join anything cause I was so different.Whether I was home or at school, there was no escaping my body's failure. I hated to compare myself to the boys who roamed the halls.Occasionally, I was allowed to be part of a group until I realized that they regarded me as a pet, a little brother.When I was seventeen and a senior, my dad was killed. He had been driving home one night from a church meeting. The drunk driver that had hit him never slowed down. Fortunately, he had purchased enough insurance to get him buried and kept us out of. “Fuck off Derek!” He screamed, “Fuck off; it’s got nothing to do with you – now get out and FUCK OFF!” The tall skinhead just kept on laughing before gently slapping my boyfriend across the face and pushing him back onto the bed. “I don’t fucking think so, kid.” Derek forcefully told his younger brother, “there looks like there’s enough to go around, don’t you think? Anyway; if it wasn’t for my porn you wouldn’t know what to do, so it’s only fair that I get a crack at her too.” At this stage I’d pulled the top sheet up to cover my boobs and was staring at Derek who looked like the violent thug that Gary had told me he was. There was a scary silence for the next minute or so as Derek slowly pulled his braces off his shoulders and unbuttoned his Ben Sherman shirt to reveal a muscular chest and forearms. “Come on then sweetheart; show me what you’ve got.” I looked at Gary to see how I should react. He looked as confused as I was. Derek motioned for me to drop.
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