I wouldn’t find out for another two weeks that the real work, when it comes to hay, is when you take it out of the field and put it in the barn.I only had one pair of sexy panties. They were lavender boy shorts, with lace around the leg openings, and they were made of satin. They were, in fact, the panties I was wearing when I went out with Todd in my skirt. The waistband wasn’t super tight, which was why he’d been able to get his hand in them so quickly. I actually got them from Sally Reubin who was given them as a gift by someone she wouldn’t identify (probably her boyfriend). She didn’t want her mother to know about them. It didn’t matter to me, because I did my own laundry. So my mother had no idea I had them.I put those on and, just for a few seconds, thought about just going out there topless. I knew that wouldn’t play well, though. Uncle Bob had been very tolerant, so far, and I wanted him to stay that way, so I didn’t want to push things. I had no idea that, while I was. By the time the dance ends I'm trembling with a feeling I cant put myfinger on.Then he kisses me, and I can name it.I'm in love with him.I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and do things I am not equipped forwith me ....Then I wake up, crying.I dont know what to do about this.I dont know who I can talk to.I know dreams aren't real, but it comes from somewhere, but where?And its not just the dream. Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror, andI look .... wrong, somehow. I look and I half-expect to see the girl frommy dream looking back at me.And the fact she doesn't is a grief I cant even begin to describe ....I've got to pull myself together, shake this off somehow.I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but who?My dad is a man's man, he's counting on me to follow in his footsteps. Goto collage, be the Big Man on Campus, marry a girl just like mom, he'dnever understand.And Tammy's counting on being the girl in that picture, I can tell this inthe way she talks about our future. .
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