On the way I told her what Mother had said to me about sitting out a year, Emma immediately offered to loan me the money to be able to continue. I said I would think about it, if I accepted mother would have to know and I wasn't sure how she would take it as she would consider it charity in a way. Also as I said our relationship was troubling me in a way.On the way back I had lots of time to think about what Mother had told me, as well as to research my feelings for Alan. I wondered if I was to quit University, could I find a job near where he was going to School to be with him.Back at school I soon settled in to my routine with my job and writing to Mother and Emma and now Alan, his was the most difficult certainly at first when I expressed my love for him and told him how much I'd enjoyed his company, short as it was. He wrote back and said he also had a good time with me and that he would be interested in us getting together any time we were home for the holidays.Talking about. I'm in a place I'd neverbeen before. A day ago, a week ago, a lifetime past, if I'd have thoughtof it at all, it would have been my pants piled on the floor, a girl I'djust picked up poised on her knees before me, the hot purple-brown pillarof me in her hands, there by her red, now-parting lips. The man I used tobe could never have imagined being there or what was bound to happen.Kneeling there, satin rustling as I bend closer, hair lightly brushingshoulders, shivering a little in a new skin, the glow within suffusing me,I could imagine nothing else.I lightly touch my lips to the very tip of him. Somewhere deep inside Ihear a tiny, fading voice cry no, and no, before it dies away. My handslides to the root of him, and just below; what dangles there now gentlycaptured, mine to hold. I bend still closer, felt the length of him brushmy cheek, a little scared still. The circle of my index finger, thumb, thetips just touching, stroke up, stroke down; I bend to follow, down anddown. I.
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