.. during a meeting at 3:00. Just let me know if there is anything else I can do."He spun on his heels in a military like about-face, walking out of the room. I sat down at my desk, pretending to organize objects, shaken up thinking about what he had said. It was strange to feel this vulnerable, having such sexually predatory energy directed toward me, freaked me out more than a little.However even more than that, there were questions about Lucy on my mind. Was it possible that straight arrow Lucy Maya had slept her way into this position? Her nightstand drawers did indicate an active sex life, but there is nothing wrong with that. Then again, she had given herself breast implants because she cared about her appearance. Also, on the surface, there's nothing wrong with that. Every thing I knew of her said this situation with Kirk was not possible, that this was his sharp mind using my condition to manipulate me or keep me off balance... perhaps to prevent me from out-shining him. Might. So crazy to think about how far I have come. And sodepressing to think about how far I still have to go. I can't wait tolose the wigs, more weight, get my breasts done, my lips, maybe piercemy nipples, facial surgery, the list goes on and on. Can I reallysucceed as a girl?I suppose at this point my B cup boobs are pretty much the answer.There's no going back. Not that I want to. I just used to enjoy thejourney. Now part of me just wants it to be over. To be done with thework and the day-to-day. I think it used to be more fun. I think Ineed to see someone and talk to them about this. Maybe talk to themabout the hooking and the drugs. Something. I feel like it's meagainst the world right now.End Diary EntryInteresting to read that entry. If you asked me before I saw it I wouldhave said that I was so focused on being a good time girl that Iwouldn't have made any room for those sorts of feelings. I'm actuallyrelieved in a way to know that they were there. I was.
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