That first night in your van I knew that you knew how to make awoman feel good. Even at work, you get along with the women better themen. It's almost like you are one of us."Then she chuckled."What?" I asked, afraid she was laughing at me."You remind me of an affair I had in college." I'm not your first 'little winkie.'"She smiled, "Well, yes, you are my first little winkie, but I wasn'treferring to that. The affair I had was with another girl in college." No way!" Way! I feel that close to you. There's a closeness two women have that aman and woman can't have. You and I are somewhere in between there. Wecould be girlfriends."Again, this is where the room would start to whirl if this were a movie.What should I do? What should I say? Should I say, "I want to be yourgirlfriend? I want us to share clothes and dress together." Then if I saysomething and she is appalled by it all, I would lose her and I don'tknow if I could handle that. I'd almost rather live that part of my lifein secret. I switch on the soft interior illumination and walk straight through the spacious apartment, eyes focused on one thing... is he there? Ohhhhh please let him be there.The dizziness I feel from my restricted breathing makes my body only too aware of how addicted I have become to this part of my life, to this man. Drawing back the sheer window coverings, I stand there looking out into the night trying to focus on the building opposite mine, my attention on one window in particular.When did I become aware of my audience? When did my body start craving the indecent, depraved need I had to share myself with a stranger? My secretive, shameful secret excites me beyond an acceptable level I know. I have found a whole new life with him, because of him.My eyes widen as a movement catches my eyes. Yes he is there - he is always there! He sits there quietly watching from in his darkened room.My fingers shake slightly as I lift them and begin to unfasten each button of my blouse, my breath clouding.
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