The floor of the sweat lodge was covered with cedar boughs. The other half of the men, the Dog Soldiers, remained outside to tend the fire, pass the stones into the lodge, and to protect the ceremony.Once the men had sat down upon the cedar boughs, a dog soldier thrust stones into the lodge using a forked stick. The largest stone went into the middle of the central pit. Around the center stone, stones were placed in the four cardinal directions. As each stone was brought into the lodge, it was sprinkled with sage. The air filled with the rich scent. Water was sprinkled onto the rocks creating a cloud of steam. The men passed around an ancient pipe.The oldest man started beating on his drum. William followed suit. When the chanting started, the atmosphere in the lodge changed. The physical reality of the world outside disappeared, to be replaced by a smoky otherworld feel. Time passed as more stones were brought into the sweat lodge. The pores of William's skin opened and his body was. I won't go into it all here. There's not enough timeand everybody who's been there knows what those expectations are.By the time I was twelve things had reached breaking point.Several suicide attempts and numerous appearances before thejuvenile courts, had finally precipitated me into a 'big-city'children's psychiatric unit. There in a final act of terminaldesperation, I had tried to castrate myself in some forlorn hopeof preventing the onset of puberty and my acquiring those malecharacteristics I so detested. The castration was only partlysuccessful. Being a coward at heart, I had used a dangerous slowstrangulation of my testicles technique that had almost causedgangrene and nearly killed me.I lost one testicle but the doctors managed to 'save' the other.It was only then that I was finally forced revealed my innermostsecret wish to become a proper girl in a proper girl's body.The psychiatrist had already anticipated my condition but he hadwaited until my crazy desperate act had.
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