.he lingered over Mary Ann and the sight she presented in that sexy blouse of hers. His eyes literally pinpointed down their natural deep valley each time before he walked away.For me, I was more excited over it than jealous. I was happy just to be sitting opposite my lovely wife, but I also got the benefit of seeing someone else, a good-looking young man, enjoy her also."Did he just look at my boobs?" Mary Ann leaned over the table and whispered.I laughed with a lilt of hilarity but more of a thrill of the eroticism his action and her reaction. "Yes he looked at your beautiful breasts. And by the way, they are very liberally and wonderfully displayed tonight I do have to say." I raised my glass in toast.She blushed and smiled. "Thank you for the compliment, sir." She arched her eyebrows. "So do you really think they look that good still?" Of course, why do you think that young man has almost drooled down over them every time he's come to the table?"As if on cue, our young waiter came. I am utterly trapped saying and doing things just like before. I wonderhow many times I have been through this cycle? Can it ever really havebeen said to have a beginning, since it will not have an end, as far as Ican tell? My own life is become an endless loop, and I can never be free. I havetried so hard to do or say something, anything I didn't say before, andfailing. I literally cannot learn from my mistakes, but am forced towatch myself make them again and again and again. Sometimes, I wish I could just not grab that cord, but of course, I haveto. I am a puppet to my own past, and no matter what, the dance willcontinue. Its almost time for me to go. One of the worst parts of what's about to happen is I wont even be ableto cry. In fact, I will smile as I go up to the lab, even while I amscreaming and crying inside. If only something, anything would change! If I were a religious person, I would pray to God for release, even fordeath. But I can not even change that. But maybe, if.
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