She turned the light out and was asleep in minutes, I couldn’t sleep and got up, she stirred and I said “I’m going for a drink at the bar”, “OK” she answered.The bar was quite full and on the comfy seating was a large woman, at least 20 stone, she said to me “Come and sit here” as I sat down she said her name was Maria, we got talking and she was a rep spending most of her time travelling up and down the Country selling whatever it was. She was married but virtually never gets to go home because of her job. She was dressed in a suit with a white blouse and on her own admission was on her second bottle of wine, we had a brief conversation and then I went outside for a cigarette, she followed me and we had a cig together, when we’d smoked I said “Thanks for the chat but I’m going to bed now”, she made a lewd comment and I said “I’ll walk you to your room”.When we reached her room she invited me inside, I walked in and she sat on the bed and asked me to sit next to her, I did and she. A drunk driver doesn’t kill people maliciously, but does he deserve forgiveness when he plows into a group of kids?”She nodded in understanding. “How long are you going to shut them out for?”“I don’t know. Forever? Until Emma knows that I’m completely hers? Until they’re well enough to be out of therapy? Until I stop feeling angry? Emma said that the more I forgive them, the more they’ll find things for me to forgive. I think she’s right. I’ll always love those girls. I care about them even now, but they can’t be in my life. The role they play in my life now is tormentor.”“So for now, you push them out of your life until they can serve a different role?”“I suppose that’s one way of thinking about it,” I allowed. “The truth is that their exile doesn’t have an expiration date. They’re out. Talking about them coming back in is just an admission that circumstances could occur that would make sense for them to be back in my life. Nuclear war could break out and the three of us could be.
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