It isn’t about quantity, because god knows I had quantity before we met. The quality of orgasms you give me are exceptional. Do you remember the other day, when you kept urging me to keep going, keep going, and I came so long, and so hard, that I broke down and cried? I soaked the sheets? I had never done that before, and you gave it to me. I feel that word for you because of that. But not just because of that. I know you understand, but it’s so hard to convey my exact thoughts and feelings especially because I’m so afraid to use that word! It’s just a word, right? And if I say it, it’s not going to end the world, and life will continue on. But what about the repercussions of it? We are so far apart. Will we ever meet? I’m sure if we say the word, we will make sure we do. But what happens then? What if it doesn’t work out the way we imagine it will every night? Who knows why, but I think it’s a valid fear. And if we leave it unsaid, we will continue to have our hearts scream at us.. I saw the hearing aid.Her curiosity of who entered placated, her attention back to me, I spoke slowly in a soft but audible tone.“You’re hard of hearing, are you not?”She smiled, looked afar, waited for me to say more, confounded and finally replied.“It’s okay. What do you think?A few more verbal tests, as she fidgeted in ascending anxiety, her insecure replies and attempts to continue a conversation beyond heard grasp, confirmed she was bluffing. She was trying to be “normal” when not. She couldn’t hear me. It explained her proud, stuck up, school demeanor. She didn’t respond because she didn’t hear the hellos. Like at the café, she faked her way through school.How difficult a life, such a terrible card dealt, not being in the conversation, isolated, no one understanding your deaf plight, instead traduced to classmate scorn, our scathing, clever epithet quips trailing her passage through corridors and classrooms. It reminded me again what is, is not what is.How wrong to judge when.
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