I didn't want you to know how the thought of you meeting and getting to like another man tortured me."When you started to talk about wanting to belong to me, I was shocked. Your idea of belonging to someone went much further than my most possessive impulses. And when you said I could let other men use you, I concluded that you didn't mean it, you couldn't possibly understand what you were suggesting. I stage-managed the gang bang with Rui and Pablo because I assumed you would hate such indiscriminate sex, such senseless fucking. I wanted to give you a chance to realize that this dream in which you were used by many men was really a nightmare. I expected you to tell them - us - to stop, to leave you in peace, to respect your dignity."But you seemed to enjoy being used like an object by three men. Or maybe you accepted what we did to you out of some sense of obligation towards me. I don't know if I'll ever solve this puzzle."What I know for sure is that the experience didn't put you. Almost eleven. Saturday night. All the pubs will be open. Nightclubs. Bars. He could be anywhere. I could call him but he won’t answer. I iron some clothes. Put them neatly into the assigned wardrobe places as though he won’t throw them out carelessly while hunting for some elusive item that he must wear immediately.Nothing to do. I could call my sister. Then again, I don’t want to hear about whichever rock band she’s currently obsessed with. I could call my parents. But they’d ask questions and I’m a terrible liar even over the phone. I flick the television on an am confronted by fake sitcom laughter. The jokes are overdone, over-applauded, and some are over my head. Being alone is so hollow. Having nothing to do is okay if you’ve got someone to do nothing with but otherwise it eats at you like woodworm, leaving you hollow and insecure.I flick off the television and silence resumes. Teeth. Shower. Bed. The sheets are cool. I can never sleep until he gets home. I retrieve my phone,.
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