To me, they meant nothing — they were part of the scenery, they lived, they suffered, they died, under eagerly watchful eyes or alone and forgotten — but she, she, she had become my obsession. I learned to stay still. To take off my clothes, to recline on a not too uncomfortable piece of furniture, in a not too uncomfortable but revealing pose, to keep my eyes open, and to stay still. There was no one to reveal myself to, there was no one into whose eyes to lock my gaze, I looked into emptiness, into a corner of my large room with its sparse furniture, high ceiling, large windows, bare walls onto which the sun drew its patterns, shadows of the huge old trees outside, but I defied the temptation to look at the patterns as they moved, as the wind blew through the leaves and branches, as the sun moved slowly across the sky — I looked into nothingness, as I stayed still, as I looked into her eyes, into her dark eyes, and into her crystal ones. Sometimes, though it scared me, I settled. It was nice. She hummed Aerosmith’s song ‘Angel’ as she got clean. It was one of her favorites. She remembered Steven lying in front of her face. He ran his fingers through her hair gently after they’d made love. He told her how much he loved the long red locks. At the time Rachel’s hair fell to her butt. Steven said he’d be heartbroken if she ever cut it off. She promised to keep her hair long. Then he said he had been in love with her all through high school. ‘I love you, Rachel.’ He voice was sincere. His caress told the same story. Rachel cried when he said those words. ‘What’s wrong, darling?’ ‘Nothing,’ Rachel had assured him. ‘I never thought anyone could be in love with me. Especially you.’ ‘You’re the nicest girl in school. I’ve loved you since the day we met. I do now. I always will.’ Those word fed Rachel’s passion. She’d reached out and caressed his face. Now, for some reason, Rachel couldn’t remember his beautiful face. It broke her heart. Rachel turned the water off..
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