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I am very much afraid that I shall do something stupid and irrevocable. I fear to lose her regard, but, as my mind sits, I can hardly bear to spend a day out of her company. I've become obsessed with my want for her, and I think of little else. I cannot say what will come, but I've no cause for hope. If I had any sense, I'd move a thousand miles away, but that won't happen. My ties to this place run too deep -- almost forty years -- my life has been here. I can't just up and run... And what could I say? to my Clara? to Jess? I don't know what will happen... No, nothing will happen. I can't let it... And yet... ?Oh God... How I miss my mother.An AddendumSeveral months ago, I posted an account, that I called "A Long Time Ago," of my sexual initiation with my mother, of our long-standing love, and of my current torn and guilty feelings toward my "sister" Jess. As you may recall, Jess was the fruit of our intimacy. My mother had been dead for thirty years, and Jess, who had now reached. Half an hour later I slid the machine into place, the job done."wow, that was quick" she said, "how much do I owe you?" "Oh nothing" I said, a bit embarrassed that she had asked."well then let me give you a hug " she said. She came towards me with her arms open and put them around me and pulled me into her. I responded by putting mine around her and gave her a squeeze. To my surprise she did not release me but held the hug for what seemed like a couple of minutes. When she released me she asked if I wanted to stay for a bit and have a glass of wine. I said OK and she said to make myself comfortable in the living room.she followed me in with a bottle in her hand and asked me to open it while she found some glasses. As she bent over Ito open the cupboard I caught a glimpse up her skirt and saw she was wearing stockings and suspenders and that she also had very lovely legs. At that moment she turned around and saw me looking and smiled and asked if I liked what I saw, I grinned backed.
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