" I stammered, "I thought you wouldn't be homeuntil this evening..." So you thought you'd spend the day dressed in sexy lingerie, Isuppose. Well, that explains everything. I mean, doesn't every man dothe same?" Natasha's tone was edgy and sarcastic. "Why, there must bedozens of men dressed like sluts in this very neighbourhood." I'm sorry if I've upset you." I said quietly. "I never told you aboutthis because I never wanted to hurt you. I guessed that you'd hate meas soon as you found out, so I've been desperately trying to make surethat you never found out." I sat down on the edge of the bed, tearsrolling softly down my face."You're my husband, Steve. I'm not angry that you dress up in women'sclothing; I'm upset that you've kept this from me. I thought we had nosecrets between us ? that's what hurts the most, that you've set out todeceive me." Natasha stood next to me and placed her hand on myshoulder. As she ran her finger over my camisole strap, she said, "It'snot as if I didn't. I have known great passions, and great sex. But sensual exploration of sexuality, loss of all thought and inhibition, losing CONTROL. Total surrender. How can one just surrender their thoughts, their senses? I go through the days of my regular life having to be serious, stay serious… stay in control of myself. Coolly dealing with the realities of life. How then do I surrender myself? The very thought of doing this awakens something in me that has lain dormant. I WANT IT! To not be bound by anything, to explore and be explored. To discover and be discovered, mind… body… soul… all senses. Oh, the allure! The attraction of just letting go… getting lost in such sweet surrender! The very thought frightens me, and yet makes my soul ache for it. I can see it, you know. I can write here for you about it, for here in my words… my little world, I am free to do as I choose. Her words, again, and so true, again. How could I not see it… picture it? I can, in my mind, and in these words, surrender.
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