How can you live with me?’ It was obvious that the demons of the night had crept into her mind, wiping away the reassuring mutual enjoyment from last night. It’s amazing how rational beliefs and observations can be replaced by fear and anxiety as one is besieged by those demons. As she admitted later, unlike me, she had not fallen asleep and, instead had lain there for over an hour, the pleasure gone as she gave way to an awake nightmare. All her ‘rights and wrongs’ inculcated into her by her up-bringing, her feeling of betraying me, a graphic picture of herself sprawled naked and open on the car seat, her body being used by another man – thoughts and images she could not reconcile with her own self-portrait. Even more, her guilt was compounded by her recognition that it all had wildly excited her. She couldn’t even hide behind the excuse that she was an innocent bystander. Thus in the gloom of the night and her mind, she just knew that she had ruined things between us. We’ve all had. Despite this, I found myself very, very interested. To my surprise, I found myself turned on. While the visual image of his hard on is still memorable to me, I remember nothing of the conversation except for how it ended.I invited him to our private thatch hut room that evening. It was clear that the invitation was for a sexual experience.Since I had no previous idea that I could be turned on by a male hard-on, I obviously had never discussed this with Joan.When I saw her about 30 minutes later, I said something like, ”you will not believe what just happened.” While we had been going together for less than a year, we had talked about sexual fantasy. My sexual fantasy always involved another woman, but not another man. When I told her of the invitation I had made, she was immediately receptive, which only turned me on more.We agreed to a plan. He would come over. She would hide in the bathroom. I would tell him that she would be there soon. We would then get started with a one-on-one.
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