We still went out on Fridays and I usually stayed home onSaturday. But my lust for bondage was growing stronger. I longed to tellTrish that if Julie had backed out of their arrangement I would be happy totake her place. But the whole concept was too humiliating. My face burnedwith shame every time I thought about telling her. What if she didn't wantme? I couldn't handle that kind of rejection.Then another event which changed my life occurred. While I frequentlymasturbated to BDSM videos and stories, I'd never read a story about awoman who tied herself up before. When I finally did the entire notion hadmy pussy wetter than I could remember. I knew I craved submission and beingunder my partner's control, but at the same time I was too shy to admit mydark fantasies to anyone. Self-bondage as I was reading about seemed to bejust what I needed. I could "submit" to myself from the safety of mytownhome. I decided to learn all I could about ways to tie myself up. Ofcourse I did this by. I went and found a pair of woman's flat shoes, and decided I wouldpretend like I was a female member of the crew on a day off, and do whatI would think she would do. I went and watched a movie in the movietheater, and then had lunch in the food court, and finally, went back tomy quarters to think about my day.I struggled for a bit, and finally admitted to myself that I had enjoyedmy day, that in fact I couldn't remember the last time I had been sorelaxed without needed crippling levels of alcohol.Then I took a look at my life up to that point, and realized that for allthe time I had spent being a man, I had in fact been playing the part ofa man, rather than being one. I had taken "manliness" to an extreme -living on lauger and spicy Indian food, going out of my way to be asrowdy and messy as I could manage, all as if it was a role I felt I hadto succeed at, or something horrible would happen to me.But now, with no one to judge me, I could let that persona go, and seewho I was when I.
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