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My mother was always talking about people who had died. She said, old lady’s voice, “Do you remember Muriel? She’s just died. Do you remember Arthur? He’s just died”. I said, “Mom, please get off the roof and give me the gun.”I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half-sisters.He put his lips on her and slid his tongue in THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S DONE Said the other paramedicIn the bedroom sparks were flying. I’m not really good at being an electrician.“He looked at his wife as she lay in their bed, the blankets covering her shapely form. Her eyes slowly opened, and she whispered... ‘Did you remember to take the rubbish bins out?’”The Police came to me yesterday telling me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even have bikes.A blonde woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t work my husband so hard. He’s exhausted”. The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in. " "Hey, no, I'm really glad you asked me! But when is it, and what's on?" "It's next Thursday, and it's "Tosca". Suddenly I was really thrilled. I'd read about it in the paper, and knew it had three really great singers in the lead roles. "Wow - not the one with Bryn Terfel and Rolando Villazon and what's-her-name..." "Angela Georgeou, yes, assuming she bothers to turn up." "Oh my God, Adam, but that's amazing! How did your Dad get tickets for that? They must have been like impossible to get!" "Oh, his company was one of the big sponsors, and they've got a box." "What? A box?" This was getting a bit OTT. I knew his Dad had some big job in the City, so I guess this sort of thing was one of the perks, along with the massive bonuses. "Erm, yes...and there's one more thing...you're going to have to dress up, because it's the Royal Gala Performance for the Queen's Golden Jubilee." This was really a bit much. For once, I was lost for words. "You have got to be bloody kidding me," I.
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