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He was older than me, but he certainly wasn’t unhealthy, and I didn’t get a “dad” or an “uncle” vibe from him. I smiled a bit as I filled a pan with water for pasta. No, there wasn’t one of those vibes, at all.“What?” Hollis asked as he looked up from chopping salad ingredients.I felt my face heat. “Oh, nothing, I was just woolgathering.”He eyed me for a moment, and then he shrugged. “Okay.” He went back to his chopping.I turned away before I made a complete fool of myself, but my thoughts continued along those lines as I cooked and ate dinner. I wasn’t naïve enough to not see what my mother was asking me to consider. I also wasn’t so prideful as to not seriously consider just what my relationship with Hollis was.One of the lessons my dad taught me about boys and men was that they didn’t long hang around unless the girl or woman had something they wanted. This state of affairs wasn’t always bad – if the female in question also wanted what the male had. If these conditions were met,. Later the sex scene had kept her alive and if not rich it had fed her, housed and clothed her. The result of all this was a hard headed woman of 22 with little self respect, a strong determination and a chip on her shoulder a mile wide. She had grown to love pain, including self harm, feeling that she needed to be punished heavily, though for what she really had no definite idea. She had avoided d**gs or alcohol abuse, having seen others go down that road she felt that way led to a woman not being in control, and she very much needed to be “in control” especially of her own punishment and ultimate demise. She in short wished to be used and ultimately to commit suicide, but not just to end her life in some pill taking or a jump from a cliff. She wanted more, she planned to make both money and a statement, to die in such a way that she could leave something not for her-self but for her son as she felt it was all she could do for him, distanced as she was from contact, she also.
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