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M.“Sarah?! I thought you fell off the face of the Earth! Thank you for your condolences. I will be coming in on Friday October 13th at 1 p.m. Do you think you can pick me up? I’ll treat you to lunch before the 6 p.m. funeral?”“Swoosh," my phone sounded, as I replied back to her. I loved going to Nashville. The scenery was always welcomed in my eyes. Beautiful women, good beer, barbecue… and then there was Sarah, the distant second cousin that I had forbidden fantasies about. It wasn’t new to her though. She had flashed me once when we were sixteen and I had spanked her after a family game of softball… discreetly outside the locker room. Of course, this was several years ago, and our bodies had matured by now.“Wayne, has your mother ever told you that it’s not polite to point?” Sarah giggled as she caught me with a boner in my sliders.“Err, help me! I don’t need the rest of our family to see this embarrassment.”Sarah proceeded to throw a cup of ice water on my face and threw a short. I don’t doubt for a moment that I might’ve conflated a bunch of actual memories of Christmases past with wishes for what Christmases should have been and created a history that never was, but still. Everybody had a good time with it and eggnog and the Christmas spirit and NOBODY got pissed off if you wished them a Merry Christmas.I am an introvert. A serious introvert. One of nearly the hermit kind. One of my favorite quotes on the subject is by the writer Neal Stephenson: “Where did all these people come from, and how do I make them go away?” What this means as far as Christmas is concerned is that even though I enjoy gift-giving, I absolutely hate crowds.When I was about thirty and single—in days before the Internet—I developed tactics for shopping that made dealing with the crowds easier. I didn’t shower, shave, or brush my teeth for three days before going out to hit the malls (in those days, a stubbly face was a sign of poor grooming rather than a fashion statement). On the.
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