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" I knew that this was an instruction, not just a suggestion."Remember to purchase some more panty liners while you're out," sheadded. "Then change into your pinafore dress - there's a lot of ironingto do. Mother has said she wants you to iron her knickers, so when I getback I want to see three tidy piles of freshly ironed knickers. One pileof Mother's knickers, one pile of my knickers, and one pile of your ownknickers. Now you know what my knickers look like, and what yours looklike, so the others must be Mother's. OK?"While at the supermarket I was very conscious of wearing clothes thatshowed off the outlines of my underwear. I felt that everyone waswatching me. I was grateful to see the friendly assistant at thecheckout. Even she was a little surprised at my outfit. When she saw thepanty liners in the shopping basket, she gave a little nod ofunderstanding. "It's that time, is it?" she asked and I nodded in reply.Back home I changed into my pinafore (struggling a little with the. "I looked at Lydia when I said that, and I could see the tears streaming down her face. She wasn't crying vocally but I could see in her eyes the deep wound and pain that I inflicted on her and I'm afraid I lost my composure. My own eyes filled with tears and I looked down and away at the floor because I didn't want her to see me cry and I thought to myself, 'My God, what am I doing? How can I be hurting this woman like this? This woman that I love so much, the mother of my children. I just don't have it in me.' And then I said aloud as I raised my head to look her in the eyes,"I'm sorry Lydia. I can't do this anymore. I don't really want to hurt you. I know you're not really a slut or a whore, and you're right, I was only trying to hurt you and make you feel the kind of pain I feel. I'm ashamed for that, but I'm confused Lydia. I've totally lost my bearings and I don't know what to do. Never in all my life have I felt so totally incapable of knowing what to do. I stood in that.
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