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Keeping me alive.I felt alive.More alive than I’d felt in a long time.It took all my concentration just to keep the car on the road—which was just fine with me. That way, I didn’t have to think about what had just happened, or about the whole of the last week. Hell, I didn’t have to think about the whole of the last year and more. And it kept that damn voice out of my head.I guess she was scared.I know I would have been if had I been a passenger.Every turn was a challenge. Every dip and bump in the road was a test. And every set of headlights that blinded me, a trial.More than once, on the sharpest bends, an image of Dad driving along a similar road, with Mom sitting next to him talking, popped into my head. Another time, I saw Del Stevens laughing as he ran from the police in a stolen car, a can of beer in one hand as he drove. But I pushed each vision aside and kept hurtling along.Then, around the next bend, the oncoming headlights were bigger than any before. Higher up. Brighter.. Not great but better than dry. And as I said, he could have used a much smaller speculum.Again you could see tears welling up in her eyes.He said, “I’ll give you a second to adjust to it.”In a few seconds he rotated the speculum and opened it. She squirmed and bit her lip and squeezed my hand and made small whimpering sounds. She kept jumping every time he moved it. It must have been terribly painful. The speculum was at least twice as wide as it should have been.When it was situated right he looked in and said, “well your cervix looks good.”He took a pap smear and she jumped when he did, but she was not tearing up now. Now she was just pissed!Again, I was standing at her side looking over her mound at the action, so I had a pretty good view.When he took the speculum out he didn't close it any until only like a half inch of the bill was still inside her.I have seen the technique of removing the speculum, and I know that they try to hold it open as they remove it so they can see the.
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