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"What do you think?" said I."I think some of them might. I think Eleanor McLean would."This seemed to me a distinct possibility. Eleanor had the reputation of being the most daring of the girls and, be it said, experienced. The other girls were slightly in awe of her. It was even said that she smoked."I'm going to ask her," said Alfie finally.We were coming out of school about a week later when Alfie pulled me aside and said, "She said she'll do it," he whispered urgently."What," said, I though I guessed what he was referring to."McLean says she'll show us her tits. Wait here till she comes out."At last Eleanor came out giggling with a group of other girls and after chatting to them for a bit, broke away from them heading home but as she did so she saw us waiting and with an almost imperceptible sideways nod of the head gestured for us to follow.Eleanor lived in the poorer part of town which consisted mainly of nondescript tenement buildings and small run down bungalows. We followed. Sweet Jesus I wonder when I stopped caring. Why did I give up my fight? I wonder why I can’t see the light that is suppose to shine at the end of every tunnel? How did a woman so young in years grow to feel to empty and old? Jaded. I hide myself from friends for days on end, fearing they will see what I see when I look in the mirror. I shun my family for giving me the memories that have formed me into the person that I have become. I wonder what happened to the woman that use to be vivacious. She is a rare visitor, or maybe I just imagined her. Maybe she only exists in my mind. Because the only person I see theses is world-weary and raw. I don’t care for her much. Even now as I write, I beg myself to stop, because if I don’t, I am forced to think of all I am loosing, all the precious time I have already lost. All the pain that I have kept safely harbored inside my heart. I can feel it swelling up inside me now wanting to push past the barriers I have built up, I can’t bare to feel.
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