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Now I respect him for whatever he did. If he was happy being worried, sad, lonely, sick, I am happy for him. He died before I could reach him, never told us he had heartburn on exertion. He feared hospitals, but I wish he made an effort to tell me. I could not give him everything. I might have operated him myself, provided better vascularisation, extended his life, decreased his misery a bit. I ll never know.He loved us the way he could, I guess we did the same too. But, but, but as long as I m alive, I wish we could have been better dad-son. Wish I was stupider. Wish I could enjoy TV along with him, or be there every day making life for him, or I was never born so he could spare the time he spent on me and did what he enjoyed most a more. I will never know.I have regrets, now that he is dead. I had them when he was alive. I think I tried to live his life for him. I backed out frequently allowing him freedom to chose, he didn't.Maybe that was his choice.My mom was a piece of art. I. That frustrated her.I was in shock. I had never heard some of those words or ever talked with someone about those things. I had to ask what a frenulum or pearl necklace was. She loved it. She truly enjoyed shocking me and making me ask her uncomfortable questions. She wanted to corrupt me. She did.Monica also had a large collection of sex toys. She left them out in our room. On her bed or on her bedside table. I had never seen dildos or vibrators in person. I knew what they were but never touched one. I was afraid of them for a while and then became curious about them.I remember them well. Monica’s vibrators were a little, white pocket rocket and larger purple vibrator with a rabbit shape on it. It had the shape of a penis head at the tip and these little balls in the middle of it. Her dildos were scary. One was very realistic. It had fake veins running along it, balls and the shape of a real dick. I later learned that the red one was a butt plug. The clear one was a double dildo. I.
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