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”“Really? You really mean that?”“Mm-hmm,” I say. “You’re an amazing cook.”She tilts her chin down and blushes, then she picks up my plate and brings it to the sink. I look at my fingers and note a brown smudge of cake on my thumb. I suck it clean of the grit.“Coffee?” she offers from the kitchen.“No thanks. I’ll have trouble falling asleep.”“That’s true,” she replies. “I wouldn’t want that. Nothing more painful than staying up all night, unable to sleep. Heart racing. Mind turning. Tossing on the bed.”“Yeah. It’s a terrible feeling.” I nod and scratch at my collar. It feels warm.She returns from the sink, wiping her hands with a towel. “But you’ve been sleeping okay, haven’t you? The bed is comfortable enough?”“It’s really comfortable. Such a great bed.”“I’m glad.” Sweeping her hands behind her skirt, she sits down in front of me, directly under the light, smiling. “And you’re sure dinner was alright? I’m sorry. The meat was a little undercooked, I think.”“No, no. It was great.”“Do. Not only was there physical pain but mental punishment as well. Today, I realize that long ago combination of pain, helplessness and humiliation would have a profound impact on my sexual development. My tableau of cravings needs, and urges were but seeds that were fertilized those nights in sixth grade while I was being punished for some unremembered rules infraction.?but I digress.I’m willing to bet if you were raised catholic and went to mass regularly that, whether girl or boy, we all shared some version of the same fantasy. What fantasy did we all share, you ask? Remember going to mass and knelling in the pew, praying, being pious when all of a sudden your eyes were looking up at the crucifix? Be honest now. Remember thinking how much He suffered on the cross? Remember wondering what it would have been like hanging up there on that cross? The pain; the humiliation; the helplessness; people pointing and taunting; sweating with flies on your face; breathing becoming more.
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