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Walking around with an excited seven-year-old, we had no chance to talk about anything.I daresay Hannah had planned that it would be she and Neil who would be walking arm-in-arm as they took the excited boy around the zoo, to her credit she was respectful and kept a distance between herself and Neil. Allowing me the time and closeness I so desperately craved with my husband.The trip to the zoo was followed by a movie and then a pizza. The paranoid part of me thought the whole schedule had been deliberately designed to crowd out any time that Neil and I may get alone together to talk. But my rational brain told me that wasn’t possible, as Hannah hadn’t known I was coming to New York. Only Jason and I knew that I’d be there that weekend.As our little group wandered around the zoo, in Jason’s absence Neil naturally fell into the role of friend and father figure to Joshua. Neil patiently and lovingly explained all sorts of things to the little boy, both teaching and helping him pet the. After a few minutes of starring at myself inthe mirrors on the ceiling I got up and headed for the shower - maybe Icould wash this day's start away?December 1, 3:37 PMAll the shower had done for me was wash away the near hour it had takenme to get ready earlier this morning. As if I hadn't struggled enoughtoday, nothing I was doing to my hair right now was making me feel anybetter about being me. After ten minutes with the curling iron I gaveup and moved on to putting my makeup on. When I couldn't even get myeyeliner on without a struggle I basically took a step away from thesink and said aloud, "Screw it!"I dabbed and smoothed with an applicator pad one last time and decidedI'd had enough. I quit! I QUIT!! I wanted to cry, but not until Ibroke something in two. I looked at the eyeliner pencil and snapped itin half. I tossed it as if breaking it in two was some huge conquest. It rattled the tiny trashcan in the corner, half of it inside the otherhalf bounced and rolled.
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