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When she tried to wrap her arms around me, I got up and ran into the bathroom. For the first time since we’d met, I locked the door. She tried to get me to come out, but I stripped down and got into a cool shower. It helped but the burning just seemed to get worse. I finally took the shower head off and opened myself up so I could shoot water directly into the depths of my body. For quite a while, I sat on the toilet with my eyes closed. I knew she didn’t intend to hurt me and perhaps when someone did it to her it didn’t hurt so much. I had no way to know. I just knew that I had been betrayed and that pain far exceeded the other. She was laying on the bed when I came out, with her back to me. Her knees were drawn up almost into the fetal position. I went in to lie behind her. Neither of us spoke until she whispered that she was sorry. ‘You hurt me, Jenn. You wouldn’t listen to me and you hurt me.’ ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I didn’t mean to.’ ‘you know what hurts the most, Jenn? It hurts. They had taken the reactionless drive equations and reformulated them in an entirely new way. Their math was elegant and made a kind of sense. I could see nothing wrong with it, and I could see what they were trying to do. However, several higher-order terms were introduced that implied extreme power densities, and the terms were inter-dependent. That meant that the equipment built around the theory had to be carefully balanced or it could easily destabilize. Computer analysis yielded two plateau domains but powering up to those states had variables running wild. This was the type of thing that had to be carefully brought online and left there, and carefully taken offline to cut power as well or it would violently eat itself. The math described two conic fields pointed in opposing directions and a third field that was modulated to provide bias. Just one of the conic fields could not be generated. It was inherently unstable as it was unipolar. The two fields heterodyned off of each.
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