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My datewith Stephanie. Swapping back could very well hinge on how well thisdate goes.I was nervous. No, not nervous. Anxious. Not because this was a date. Iwas anxious because I did zero preparation for this date. I have noidea where I'm taking her. This is not like me. I'm never thisunprepared for anything. I'm usually over prepared. I think I hadalways assumed we would swap back before this date ever happened. NowI'm on the verge of an anxiety attack for being so unprepared.I got into the shower and worked on my breathing. I miss being able totalk to Tyler to calm myself down.When I was able to refocus myself, I brainstormed where we were goingto go. I should take her out to dinner I suppose. Victor was veryprepared for today's date. Maybe I could borrow some of those ideas.Are we going to take the bus again? Victor said he had a car somewherearound here. He said it was a piece of shit. Hopefully it works.Hopefully Stephanie doesn't judge me on the car.I felt my face. So rough. I. I didn't mean to undermine that. Erica ... I carried her with love, and she was born into love, and she'll grow up with love. But I would like to have one that began with love." I can't refuse you anything, Love, you know that. I love Erica and I'll love watching you bulge. Then I'll love her or him."She sat on my lap and snuggled into my arms, a familiar yet always fresh joy. "I love you, Ted. We've never used any birth-control ... conception is a lot less likely while I'm breast-feeding, but that's tapering off and it's going to end soon. It could start any time." That's fine, Sweetheart. Let's just let it happen."I didn't rush the cuddle, but in due course began a lengthy research for a suitable boat/ship builder, sources of equipment such as anchor windlass and crab winches, brail winch and steering gear, and, of course, putting out feelers to possible customers. That afternoon was only the beginning of a couple of months' research, but after tea, once Erica was fed and handed.
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