Indian Bitch Series

I never knew cutting wood was so hard. I have cut three trees today and dragged them to camp with the aid of Small Ear. Enough for now.day 40It gets no better. This shall be a very, very long winter.day 45The spots before my eyes are leaving. It is hard work, yet I do not still wish to die at the end of the day. Mary looks concerned whenever she looks at me. Samantha just keeps busy. Lillian talks little and rests much. The snow falls thickly.day 56We have guests! A hunting party of Pottawatomie have shown up at our door. They are tall and strong. I shall ask if they would trade tree-chopping for gold. As I am not come into my growth it is murderous work for me.day 57There is a merciful God. They agreed to fill the manger with cut wood for a gold. Samantha has earned a camp name from them. They call her little bee for the way she flits about doing things, never resting. They are tired from their labors. I do not feel so bad about dropping in my tracks now. We eat quickly and. Mom figured the Earth couldn’t take too many more people, and she was only prepared to try once, before getting a tubal and deciding mothering wasn’t what she was all about, anyway. I don’t really think it had anything to do with me, but when you’re a kid you’re egocentric. The world revolves around you. So when good things happen, it’s because you’re wonderful. When bad things happen, you must have caused it all. When ordinary things happen, it was still because of you. I really don’t know what I did to make Dad go away. Now, after a few years and some therapy, I know that I didn’t do anything to make it happen and there wasn’t anything I could have done to prevent it from happening. I still feel as if there was something I did to ruin it, or could have done to maintain the loving home I once had, or wasn’t good enough to make him stay. Knowing something is true, and feeling it is true, are two different things. Mom kept me when my parents split up, and I don’t exactly know why. She.
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