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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement...- Mark TwainThe secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible- George BurnsSanta Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark TwainBy all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- SocratesI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho MarxMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy DuranteI have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa GaborOnly Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex LevineMy luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,. ”“What in bloody hell does that mean?”“Repurpose something.”“Like what?” Debbie snapped. “Are you suggesting that I re-gift one of his things? I can only do the ask-for-forgiveness, Mrs. Butterworth handy and rim job so many times.”Olive smiled and patiently waited for her cantankerous friend to ratchet down. “He already knows you’re an accomplished slut. Why not gift him the redux legacy of a filthy whore. A filthy fucking Christmas whore.”Debbie glared at Olive as their eyes widened with sorority memories of their wanton past. It came back to Debbie like a forgotten, blacked-out drunken memory.“Remember what we did with the ping pong balls?” Olive prompted.“Holy shit,” Debbie said. “What were we thinking?”“We were young, overly-needy sisters that desperately wanted approval.”“We sure as fuck got that,” Debbie said, giggling as they tapped beer cans. “Saw a lot of jock jizz and girlie juice that night.”“Precisely,” Olive replied. “And if I recall correctly, that’s when you met Mr..
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