"Umm, what was that?" she exclaimed. "Your hand is cold!" I said. "She smiled at me and said "Mmm hmm!" I could tell she thought I may have orgasmed or something. I told her "I promise that is all it was. I mean, I admit that it is a little hard to think of you as my doctor since I have known you for so long. I can't help but find it a little erotic!" She looked at me a little embarrassed in the face. She said "I'm sorry, I know it is a little weird. I mean, I didn't plan on doing the exam, but I have to say that I was a little interested. I know that is totally unprofessional." I didn't know if she was serious and then I said "Sorry, I didn't mean to get a little turned on" and she said "oh, please! It happens all the time! At least you didn't have a full on erection like some!" We both laughed and then she said "Well, I guess since I took advantage of you, I have to show you mine, right?" She was joking around and acted like she was going to show me. She just gently squeezed her. Couple that with the fact that I'm quite shy and you've got quite a disaster. Thankfully these new friends were nice enough to tolerate my anti-social behaviour. They tried to lighten me up and get me to laugh and joke around more, and I tried so hard to fit in and be happy. But happiness is not something I could fake, especially with the knowledge that Erika was going to be tortured soon. I wanted to act happy in front of my new school friends. But I couldn't. I guess I'm just too honest. Whenever I looked at a group of people laughing and having a good time, I start to wonder whether there's something wrong with me. Strangely, the people who tell me to lighten up and be positive are often the people who tell me to be myself. What if I'm just sad by nature? By acting happy and positive I'm not really being myself. I guess "be positive" and "be yourself" are just lines people memorize. Often when a friend gives advice, he or she just regurgitates lines from Oprah or Dr Phil. People.
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