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If you really wish to experience the turd-like effluent I'm forced to wade through every day then search 'Dear Cum'; there is more than enough crappage there to fill an entire sewage works. Now what my elders and betters have failed to fully consider in their demands for a competition entry is that these letters and the replies are non-fiction and I can't just pluck a few letters on the theme of 'Foolish' or 'The Fool' out of thin air. I require source material, which sadly, and I really can't emphasise how much of an issue this is, means I am going to have to read through the pile of whinging self-obsessed nonsense in the hope of finding something suitable. Wish me luck. Oh joy of joys, I've found one. Dear Ms Creamy CunnyI live in the fridge at 47 Bessington Crescent, New Malden along with all my dear friends and near relations. Outside of the fridge is a big, wide scary world where it seems almost anything can happen. Mostly, I spend my days hunkered down in the chill listening. We were both fully clothed, no signs of anything that I had just seen and felt. I looked behind me. The other passengers were looking around at each other, perplexed.Did that really happen or did I just imagine it? Did everyone else experience it too? I'm sure they must have by the looks of sudden confusion on their faces, but everyone seemed too embarrassed to bring it up.Wilco stood up and stepped onto the platform, motioning for everyone else to follow suite. "Behind this door is one of the most interesting and secret parts of the building," Wilco began. "This is where we develop and perfect different candy prototypes." Let me in!" Virana demanded. "I want to see!" Now, now, dear Virana," Wilco said, "you'll have to be patient." Virana folded her arms across her chest and frowned angrily. "This room houses all my secrets, so I'll need to trust you all not to touch, taste, or take anything without my specific permission." Yeah, yeah, let's just get on with it," Laitia said. Wilco.
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