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She doesn't see you as her father, but, thenagain, you never saw yourself that way either. You've said as much. Maybeshe's come to accept that now."Walt had a point, albeit a sharp and painful one. Fatherhood aside,Marcia always felt out of sorts as a parent. All parents felt likeimpostors to one degree or another, at least the thinking ones did. Whatsort of parent was one-hundred percent sure that they always knew whatthey were doing? What parent didn't suspect that they'd made mistakesalong the way?Answer: a bad parent.But for Marcia this normal parental anxiety was compounded by the crisisof her sexual identity. An impostor as a man, it followed that she couldonly feel like an impostor as a father. She'd been playacting the role ofboth, her grip on what she perceived she was supposed to do in any givensituation that much more tenuous. None of it seemed to be coming fromwithin, but was modeled, mimicked really, from some vague and ever-changing notion she had of the ideal father,. Being a foxy character, I'd asked whether I could write a common paper for the two courses. The two professors had agreed and the historian had suggested Feudal Germany as a starting point. I recall getting it out of the library, but nothing else. And here it was. I took it from the shelf, found myself a table, and settled down to read. It was after lunch when I emerged from skimming and browsing. I never got to the 1864 war.That was what Jim had been talking about. Gillespie's murder was a way for me to avoid doing any "real" (= scholarly) work. In fact, I guess that even agreeing to serve on that SDSU committee was work-avoidance. One could, after all, weasel out of everything. Serving on committees -- both at one's own institution and as an "outsider" -- was an important academic function, wasn't it? Maybe even the investigation of a colleague's [?] murder was research of a sort -- even if it wasn't the sort UofT appreciated most. Nonetheless, here I was on the bus again, this.
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