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Holding the knife firmly, I dragged the shape edge across the width of my thigh and watched the white flesh separate into two parts, filling the middle with blood.I didn’t understand why it didn’t hurt, so I made a second cut parallel to the first one. I grabbed for my gym towel but not before a small pool of blood puddled next to my feet. After the third cut, I realized that this did not provide any relief for the deep hurt I was feeling inside.I wiped down the blade and closed the knife, pressing the bloodied towel hard against my opened wounds. Although the cutting didn’t seem to help, I took comfort that the three scars would remain, to remind me of Suzie.The funeral was scheduled for Monday. On Sunday night around three a.m. I couldn’t sleep. I sat down at my computer to write a farewell to Suzie. It wasn’t a eulogy or a speech. That was for the clergy. It was words that I had to write down for me to say a proper goodbye. I printed the sheet of paper and looked for a metal. My consciousness swims in a bright orange darkness and relaxes to swimming pool sounds: bouncy diving boards, screaming children and swimsuits dripping on the way to towels. Sweaty moisture glazes my chest and drips into folded crevices of skin. I reach for the suntan lotion, but before I open it, footsteps run by and dive into the water, raining a giant splash upon me. I awake and spy the culprit – a short freckle-faced kid who by now was at the other side of the pool. I dry myself and see climbing out of the water a tall dark-skinned girl whose small teenage breasts jut unashamedly out of her water-shrunken bikini. She returns to her towel, dons sunglasses and walks to the water fountain while I stare at her spongy buttocks knocking against one another. Without embarrassment the girl pulls up the bottom half of her bathing suit, covering the pale strip of skin made accidentally visible. I turn over on my stomach and massage my back with lotion. Now a group of adolescents are.
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